Monday, April 11, 2005

Music
.
If you check my profile, you'll see that I'm not a fan of country music. That's because I associate it with the bar across the street.

We could hear the jukebox from our front porch; they always turned the music up on the weekends. As the night would wear on and the drinking would get heavier, the music would become more and more maudlin. There were endless versions of some poor slob who's dog had died, or his wife had left him, and he was walking down the train tracks, because he'd just got outta jail... Songs with the corniest lyrics, I swear!

As long as the music was maudlin, the bar would stay pretty quiet. But sooner or later someone would play "I'm Gonna Hire A Wino" and follow it up with "You're Cheatin' Heart"; and we knew it was just about time to go inside and call the cops. Because those two songs in combination meant that some woman was fed up with her no-good-drunk-of-a-man; and she was right that instant sitting on some other guy's lap.
The noise level would rise to a point that we couldn't hear the music anymore, and then bodies would come tumbling out of the bar. A knot of people beating on each other would be surrounded by a larger group of observers. Some would try to interject a bit of drunken wisdom, "Hey, man. You can't be doin' that." or "She ain't worth it." Others would join in the fray. Lord knows why. Still others would wail at the sky, bemoaning their fate.
The funniest one I ever saw was a woman jump into the mess of people and shove her husband out of the fight so that she could start a new one. She yelled, "GodDAMN you, Greg! Now we can't drink no more!"
This caused a mass exodus back into the bar; people having realized they were jeopardizing their own drinking privileges for the night.

In case you're unfamiliar with the song "I'm Gonna Hire A Wino"; here are David Frizzell's classic words:

I came crawling home last night, like many nights before:
I finally made it to my feet as she opened up the door.
And she said, "You're not gonna do this anymore."

She said: "I'm gonna' hire a wino to decorate our home,
"So you'll feel more at ease here, and you won't have to roam.
"We'll take out the dining room table, and put a bar along that wall.
"And a neon sign, to point the way, to our bathroom down the hall."

She said: "Just bring your Friday paycheck, and I'll cash them all right here.
"And I'll keep on tap - for all your friends, their favorite kinds of beer.
"And for you, I'll always keep in stock, those soft aluminum cans.
"And when you're feeling macho, you can crush them like a man."

She said: "We'll rip out all the carpet, and put sawdust on the floor.
"Serve hard boiled eggs and pretzels, and I won't cook no more.
"There'll be Monday night football, on T.V. above the bar.
"And a pay phone in the hallway, when your friends can't find their car."

She said: "I'm gonna' hire a wino to decorate our home,
"So you'll feel more at ease here, and you won't have to roam.
"We'll take out the dining room table, and put a bar along that wall.
"And a neon sign, to point the way, to our bathroom down the hall."

She said: "You'll get friendly service, and for added atmosphere.
"I'll slip on something sexy, and I'll cut it clear to here.
"Then you can slap my bottom, every time you tell a joke.
"Just as long as you keep tipping, well, I'll laugh until you're broke."

She said: "Instead of family quarrels, we'll have a bar-room brawl,
"When the Ham's bear say's its closing time, you won't have far to crawl.
"And when you run out of money, you'll have me to thank.
"You can sleep it off next morning, when I'm putting it in the bank."

She said: "I'm gonna' hire a wino, to decorate our home,
"So you can feel more at ease here, and you won't have to roam.
"When you and your friends get off from work, and have a powerful thirst.
"There won't be any reason, why you can't stop off here first."

She said: "I'm gonna' hire a wino to decorate our home,
"So you'll feel more at ease here, and you won't have to roam.
"We'll take out the dining room table, and put a bar along that wall.
"And a neon sign, to point the way, to our bathroom down the hall."

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